It has been long time to post something here. Total Eclipse is coming in my city, Houston, everyone is much looking forward to it. A day before Total Eclipse, I have a wholehearted conversation with my classmate, I can’t ask for more on beautiful Sunday.
After experiencing mild anxiety in the past few months, I finally felt better from last week. My mind is clearer, sleep quality has improved, and concentration has returned to my daily work. I took an accident as an opportunity for myself to grow, and to understand more about people’s struggles with anxiety and PTSD daily. Long story short, I feel better than before.
I have reflected on romantic relationships. Like many of us, I was feeling hopeless and devastated because:
a) I was afraid of dying alone;
b) I was in deep self-doubt and rarely saw myself as lovable or worthy;
c) I saw myself as an emotional mess.
My dating life was a roller coaster; there were extremely funky days, there were the deepest low days, very uncertain, very hopeless, very trying. I pretended to be happy, but I know, in the bottom of my heart, I was skeptical about my true love. In my rabbit hole, I found one thing that lightened up my life: everything is temporary, we are all humans, the roller coaster journey is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with us.
I read my old journals over and over again, then I wrote down all patterns, repeatable reactions, and my initial thoughts when I came into new dating/new connections/new relationships. It was an infinite loop (or spiraling):
Meet someone -> Get excited and hopeful -> Be guarded and wait for their signs -> Analyze their first moves -> Ask for more to reassure -> (a) (b)
- (a) -> if they do more -> Start to doubt about myself and them: Why do they like me? I don’t have anything to offer -> Withdraw -> Intend to hurt them to scare them away -> Feel hurt because they don’t pass the test -> Shut down emotions;
- (b) -> if they don’t do anything -> Start to doubt about them: Do they like me? -> Keep pushing them to make me feel reassured -> Exhausting -> Decide to give up -> Shut down emotions.
What was missing here? After many failed connections and relationships, I spotted several things about myself: I didn’t really invest in the connection or the relationship as I thought I did. I always avoided and used old excuses: I was afraid of being hurt again – I was afraid of being betrayed again while the ugly truth here is – I did not want to take responsibility for myself, my own emotions, and my happiness. I wanted someone to love me wholeheartedly but I refused to give the same thing to myself and to them. I asked for reassurance when I couldn’t give myself any. I should be more of a giver than just being a taker, I should stop playing the victim role here.
It’s funny how when one of my best friends told me, if I already projected this relationship would fail again, why didn’t I just bet on this one more time? There’s nothing to lose here – put myself out there, show love freely, and love him crazily. She said something to me like, I already know I am going to lose my money when I play betting in Las Vegas, why do I still do that? Clearly, I want to experience and learn how things work, so just apply that mindset in dating. We may not walk away with a life partner from the dating game all the time, but we gain experience and learn more about ourselves. That’s the beautiful part of life.
I appreciate the current connection with the guy I am seeing so much. This connection gives me huge motivation and inspiration to break old patterns. I’m happy to go with the flow and to see how life takes us, at least, I know, from today, the old infinite loop as above will stop working.
My homework partner and I opened up about our emotions, spiritual journey, coaching journey, and daily meditation this morning. I also let her know this is my very first time; I feel desired to be coached by her. Instead of going into formal practice, we took another pathway to explore our unusual coaching session, which I enjoyed a lot. I left the session with a fulfilled heart and a luminous soul that helped my reflection about love and relationships as above. She surprised me with a gift – drawing an oracle card and reading it for me. This is definitely God’s message sent to me, as I have been praying and asking for guidance in the past few weeks. A year of faith, once again, I took this as a sign to remind me how truly blessed I am. My card for today is “What Is Already With You.” It’s a beautiful message that I will never forget. I’m home, I’m enough, I’m blessed.
I’m putting myself back to work with a lot of hope about the new startup. I also envision myself in ADHD Coaching – which is the major I’m pursuing. Things will fall into place, just get the ball rolling and believe in myself. HOPE is my strongest strength in the VIA Test and it’s no joke. I’m tremendously hopeful about life…
Houston – Sunday, April 7, 2024
Ngân Sâu và Thế Giới 💕 